computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.