Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Storm Tropical Storm
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
They got Raph!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with