“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I have never related to a cat more
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.