“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.