6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO