I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Not today
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing