Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
you have three unread messages
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?