My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
You Might Also Like
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Good point.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend