Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.