I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.