I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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ME: finally a program for me
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Lmao
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.