A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
my mom making me talk to relatives