My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES