requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
wut hotdog?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
🚲+physics = winner
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My neck, my back, my…
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
When someone trying to leave me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.