The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.