I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
You Might Also Like
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT