I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around