wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
🙂🙃🥹
figuring out my emotional availability:
sin harder.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?