Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
You Might Also Like
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.