what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.