“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys