women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Thursday Thought.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?