8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?