my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Life hack
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Interior design 👌
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.