“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle