Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday