[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
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Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.