My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me too door. Me too.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one