Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.