Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.