Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
That’s what I call a flat tire
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Dear Lord..