Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
You Might Also Like
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]