Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.