I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Overindulged this afternoon.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it