I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*