my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
buying dead houseplants to save time
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it