ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy