I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
You Might Also Like
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.