My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
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Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.