If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha