work smarter, not harder
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
So inspired right now.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.