for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*