Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I have no passwords left in me
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I really had high hopes for this year though