Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs