the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything