One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Wednesday
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol