It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Ferrari squats
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Human are so complicated
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate