I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I am also baked goods
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.