*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Worth remembering.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.