Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf